Writer's Notebook

I was reading Lord of the Flies the other day and my thoughts started off on a tangent. So I scribbled this down in my notebook. I just wanted to see if I could try and recreate the feelings of someone in denial.

It was an accident. It had to have been an accident. Joseph could never have accepted any other solution. To have done so would have been to admit his own part in the incident. Even as a small child Joseph had trouble accepting his responsibility when something went wrong. He still remembered the first time he had hidden the truth. He had promised and forgotten to feed the dog before going to bed. What would happen now? His mother would see there was one tin too many. Slowly he got out of bed and crept on tiptoe down to the larder. He couldn't remember what he had done with the offending tin, but the relief he felt at not being caught, remained stamped on his memory these twenty years later. That was just the first of many incidents on the slippery road to denial.

Back in the present Joseph ran and reran the whole scene in his troubled mind. He did so with the skill of a film director cutting out all the incriminating parts to leave his conscience free. Yet a gnawing feeling of guilt never really left him. Deep down he knew that something wasn't as it should be. And in denying reality he was missing out on the one thing he longed for - peace of mind. All that was needed was for him to face up to his involvement, admit his fault and move on. The one thing he knew he could never face up to.